


Keep Looking

by lizardystopia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Sadstuck, Spoilers, The Homestuck Epilogues, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2019-11-05
Packaged: 2021-01-23 08:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21316849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizardystopia/pseuds/lizardystopia
Summary: Terezi takes a moment to think about why she won't go back.
Relationships: Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Kudos: 12





	Keep Looking

**Author's Note:**

> This is more of a cathartic writing exercise for myself, but I hope you'll enjoy it, even if it's kinda short. Huge spoilers if you haven't read Homestuck & the Epilogues, etc. Please write a comment to let me know if you liked it! :)  


TEREZI: H3Y N3RD  
JOHN: oh, hey terezi.  
JOHN: what’s up?  
TEREZI: NOT MUCH  
JOHN: still no luck, huh?   
TEREZI: NOP3   
TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT YOU, HOWS YOUR HUM4N WR1GGL3R DO1NG   
TEREZI: 1S H3 OLD 3NOUGH TO GO TO HUM4N COLL3GE Y3T   
JOHN: oh come on, stop with the “human” joke, i’m sure you don’t even have a troll college!   
JOHN: but yeah harry anderson is fine. and still very much a baby.   
JOHN: it’s only been a couple months since the last time we had a chat, you know!   
TEREZI: Y34H 1 K1ND OF F1GUR3D TH4T MUCH   
JOHN: soooooo... what about you?   
TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT M3  
JOHN: how’ve you been? i mean it’s probably not even been an hour for you since last time, but you’re always kind of evasive when i ask.  
TEREZI: 4WWW, 4R3 YOU WORR13D 4BOUT M3 NOW, 3GB3RT?   
JOHN: uh, duh. also, you’re dodging the question again.   
JOHN: i am worried, you know. you’ll probably say that i sound like an old man, but i really think you should come home sometime.   
TEREZI: YOUR3 R1GHT, YOU DO SOUND L1K3 4N OLD M4N H3H3H3H3   
TEREZI: 1M F1N3, R34LLY   
TEREZI: 1 M34N 4S F1N3 4S ON3 C4N B3 WH3N TH3YV3 B33N FLY1NG 4CROSS FUCK1NG NOWH3R3 FOR WHO KNOWS LONG WH1THOUT 3V3R F1ND1NG 4NYTH1NG   
JOHN: look...   
TEREZI: DONT   
JOHN: i haven’t said anything yet!   
TEREZI: Y34H BUT 1 KNOW WH4T YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO   
TEREZI: BLUH BLUH YOU SHOULD COM3 B4CK BLUH   
JOHN: i don’t even say bluh that much!  
TEREZI: 4ND TH4TS ONLY B3C4US3 YOU H4V3 4 GOOD FR13ND T3LL1NG YOU WH3N TO STOP B3FOR3 YOU S4Y STUP1D STUFF NOW   
JOHN: alright, alright, i won’t say anything.   
JOHN: what did you want to talk about anyway?   
TEREZI: JUST CH3CK1NG ON YOU, DUMMY   
TEREZI: 4ND 4LSO 4LL YOUR M1DL1F3 DR4M4 1S K1ND OF TH3 ONLY TH1NG TO K33P M3 3NT3RT41N3D H3R3!  
JOHN: maybe i should just stop and you’ll become so bored you’ll eventually come home!   
TEREZI: YOU KNOW YOU WONT >:]   
JOHN: yeah, i guess not.

And then he starts writing about his life, and Terezi listens. She knows John needs to talk just as much as she needs the distraction. She feels kind of pathetic when she thinks about how addicting it’s proven to be, just listening to her friends tell her about their not-so-exciting life. At first, she tried ignoring them, feeling that it would be harder to keep going if she listened, but as it turned out the boredom was even worse.

It was hard, though. Listening to them tell her about their relationships, their problems, their adult life… It was hard learning about all of this and yet knowing that she isn’t there with them. That she isn’t a part of this, and probably won’t ever get to be. She tried to convince herself, to think that she wouldn’t want that kind of boring life anyway, but the truth is… maybe she kind of does?

Obviously, she wouldn’t want to have to deal with Karkat’s real-life romcom issues, or the political conflicts tearing her friends apart, or… uh… _Gamzee_. But every time John tells her about all the things she missed, some part of her can’t help but wish she could have it too. A peaceful, boring life of getting “married”, doing politics, going at her friend’s babies’ wriggling day parties. Life on Earth C doesn’t seem very cool, but it’s… something. Better than spending the rest of your life lost in paradox space, for sure.

But Terezi knows she would starve to death before she decided to go back. And it isn’t only because she has absolutely no fucking idea where she is, or that the Earth C John is talking about seems very off from her perspective, and possibly not even a place she would be able to reach if she wanted to. It isn’t that she can’t go back. It’s that she can’t go back _alone_.

It’s something she couldn’t explain to John. Hell, she isn’t even sure she understands it herself. It doesn’t exactly make sense. The logic choice would be giving up and doing as everyone always do: start over, make friends, get close to the people you get along with and hope that you’ll be happy with them someday. Maybe she could be happy. Maybe she could live a nice life, with her friends, or… with John. She’s mature enough to know that she likes him, and she’s pretty sure he likes her too. It would be nice, being in a kismesissitude with someone as John; he’d certainly never get too angry or prideful to make it too dramatic, so it would probably be the very first stable relationship in her whole life.

But stable is not enough, and that’s just it. That’s the reason why she knows she is going to keep searching, even if there isn’t much more than the tiniest glint of hope. Because when you make a bond so strong, so deep and meaningful that it can only be named _fate_, you just know that there isn’t anything in the entire universe that could possibly replace it. And even if there was, Terezi wouldn’t want it. She wants back the years of playing together, talking and sharing dreams and hopes and fears, even secrets. She wants the rivalry, the feeling of your blood boiling inside your chest just by knowing there is someone in this world that you can challenge with everything you have, and that it will make you better every time you do. She wants the peace of mind of having someone that accepts you entirely, someone you can really be yourself with, tell everything without being scared or ashamed. She wants someone she… someone she…

Terezi takes a deep breath and forces herself to get back on track. She knows that if she is really honest with herself, the main reason she doesn’t try to explain this to John is just that it hurts. Every day, every hour, every damn _minute_ she spends thinking about how she isn’t here, it just hurts. So bad that she would rather think about literally anything else. Her reason can try and tell her that she’s gone, that she won’t ever find her no matter how much she looks, Terezi won’t listen to it. She can’t accept it—she won’t! Accepting that would mean having to deal with how her absence makes her feel, and that’s something even scarier than starvation in the middle of nowhere. It makes her feel angry, too. Because if there is nothing she can do, if there truly is no way that she can bring her back… sometimes she thinks she would rather destroy the whole universe than accept it. A world in which you can have something that matters more to you than life itself but that you can lose forever in a blink without any means to ever get it back… what good could such a world really be?

So Terezi will keep looking, forever if she has to. She’ll keep looking as long as there is any hope that she can find her, even if that hope is small and even if it leads her nowhere. And she will never, ever, ever stop.

Not until she finds her.


End file.
